My self-accusation…

Be aware that this is gonna be a really emo post. For guys, I really wish you don’t read this…

I think I have a personality disorder. You know, the type that cling to people and fear of being separated? Yah, I think I have finally come to terms that I do have that type. I cling to people. I even felt that I treat people excessively nice  to the extent I dismiss myself from thinking that we weren’t that close at all. Well actually, it upsets me. One of the characteristic in dependent personality disorder is goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant. At some point I recognizes this behavior of mine but then I let it go. Won’t allow myself to think it that way. I treat people too well to the extent I put myself to trouble. Some stuff I did to make people feel special and would appreciate me more for that…but the outcome was never what I hoped for. I still felt left behind, I still felt the insignificance of me and I still feel how little percent I am as to be that important in people’s life. I tried so hard and for what???

I couldn’t help but to hate myself when finally I let that type of thinking flows into my mind. I hate that I let myself feel upset and anger when people do stuff that hurt me when they don’t even realized about it. I hate that I let myself to think what I am to them after all that I did just so that they can be happy. No! Don’t get me wrong people. In this matter you’re not the one to blame but me. My self-accusation of dependence has finally surfaced when at last after all this time the bitter reality is yet for me to accept. I now know I’ve no one to blame but me. Blaming me of being me. Dependent.

Sheds of tears flowed alas after so long I kept this to myself… My fragile feelings of a girl that I’ve been self-claiming of non-existence had finally revealed today. Thank you for showing the part of my feelings being insignificant to you has brought me to the reality of my dependence. Maybe in the future I should start to be a loner. Wearing a poker-like face with blunted affect. If this the only defense mechanism that I have to not feel hurt anymore so be it. I’m tired of rejections after rejections and how insignificant is for me to you. I know, patience should know no limit. But how can I? I’m just a human trying it’s best to survive…. Enough is enough….